existential me

bought a paulo nutini cd a couple of days back, love it! has a nice tone, tempo, laidback balladsy - but not saccharine sweet.

one of the things i enjoy most is cruising in the car with music reverberating through. there's something timeless about it - like the world ceases to bother, and only the music, the ride and i exist.

to exist, is important to me. i realise that i'm an existentialist - my writings, my joys, are all derived from the experience of being. being human, being alive. if i were to psycho-analyse myself, i guess its derived from the persistent need to validate myself, that i as an individual matter. it also explains why i'm averse to overt religiosity, because i feel that to emplace my life in the thralls of the afterlife, detracts from the experience of the present.

don't misunderstand, i have nothing against religious beliefs seeing that i essentially grew up in a christian background. but i also want to make the most of my time here, now. i need to be accountable, not simply to any god or diety, but to my own conscience and self. that is why i need to believe that i am responsible for every decision and choice i make in this life. in doing so, it also means that i cannot bring myself to imbibe freely in the notion of spiritual forgiveness and salvation. somehow, i feel that it makes me less human when guilt can be absolved simply by blind faith.

it is why i cringe at the prospect of a monotonous life and job, living day-to-day trying to pay the bills. i enjoy reading, because i hold a myriad of experiences at my fingertips. i revel in the experience of being alive everyday - even though sometimes life sucks big time. it is also why i acutely fear the prospect of being denied my freedom, and why i fear being bed-ridden or invalid, more than i fear death - because i see death in itself as a new and liberating experience that i can look forward to.

that, in essence, is the existential me.