tabula rasa

new start

2008-01-08T08:35:00.000+08:00

i'm sitting at mac's in changi's t2 now, waiting to head up to sign my contract for my new job, starting Feb. its a fresh start for me, a change from the only permanent employment i've know since i signed my first contract at the age of 19. to put that in its proper perspective, that's more than 10 years ago!

its been an undulating struggle internally for me, to take this decision to leave the rsaf. certainly i had to constantly fight the urge to retreat into my comfort zone and keep things status quo - after all, the rsaf has been good to me and to be honest, there wasn't really any reason for me to leave. except this little niggly feeling inside me that whispers in my head "this isn't really what you want is it?"

at the end of the day, the idealist in me wins through, as ever. so here i am, ready to make a significant change (and take a hefty pay cut i might add), to start something new in the search for new experiences, while i still can and before i settle down. now or never.

looking back at my earlier posts on this change, i realise that its been a long drawn process - but comfortingly, my initial thinking hasn't changed. comforting because despite the elements of uncertainty and doubt that still crop up even now, i know that its not something i'm undertaking on the spur of the moment. its something i've considered, in a direction that i've decided to take in my life - made all the more assuring by your support, and the support of my family.

why did i choose this job though?

i had been travelling in the states last month, for the better part of 20 days during which i passed or transited through a grand total of 9 airports. the final stop was home, and as the airplane glided into changi airport to land, i took in just how splendid and symbolic changi airport was to singapore - certainly in comparison to all the other airports i went through. and at that point i realised that i actually can't wait to start on my new job, managing this international icon. in many ways, its a gateway to the world for me.

its a new challenge, and one i'm looking forward to. and i'm glad that you are willing to stand by me in this. who knows where the road ahead leads to, but i move on knowing that you will be beside me, and that is enough for me to take this step and not look back.

ok, i'm heading up for the contract signing now, and start anew on a decision i had taken in august of 06. wish me luck.

i hate travel agents

2007-12-04T23:27:00.000+08:00

my flight itinerary to new york was booked by my aunt through this 'reliable' travel agent friend she has been using for ages. now, my aunt's the sort who doesn't like the hassle of going through the detailed planning and arrangements for trips. in typically gungho fashion, she'll just up and go without a second thought. in some ways, i can be like that too, and i won't care less if the agent dumps me in siberia or the north pole.

but, not this time.

if i'm travelling alone, i don't really care as much how i get there or where i end up having to make my way around. but i do care for those i travel with, and therein lies the reason why i'm so irked by this travel agent dude, who seemed determined to screw up my itinerary. from refusing to reply emails promptly, or give me any information (or worse, wrong info) to help in my planning until late, to allocating crappy hotel locations, to unilaterally changing my flight arrangements without telling me. god.

i think its analogous to life, or at least, my attitude to life.

my world view is basically that life's a journey, and i'll take whatever comes along in my stride. but if i'm travelling through life with someone else, i become extremely intolerant of mediocrity, especially when it affects those i care for adversely. i also can't stand people telling me what's best for me, when what they really mean is what's best for themselves.

if life's a journey, i'd rather plan it myself than rely on travel agents to screw it up for me. i can screw up my life perfectly on my own, thank you.

be happy, first

2007-11-27T22:43:00.000+08:00

my boss recently took to vociferously complaining to me that he can't understand me. called me a jumping bean - basically because he finds it frustrating that i can't seem to decide what i want to do with my career. and you know, i agree - i can't really decide. there are so many things i want to do, that i want to learn, that i want to try. why must i barrel myself in, and decide my future for the rest of my life now? isn't it better to go with the flow, and explore the world out there? try different things, new things.

so today i want to teach. the next year i want to do hr. and the next year, corporate comms. to be perfectly honest, i don't see what's wrong with that. sometimes, i don't see the point of trying to control everything, to plan everything and try to account for the very last blade of grass - only for the next breeze to come along and mess it all up again.

life turns on a moment - and more often than not, you don't see the bus coming along the side when it hits you off the pavement. or the wave that comes along and knocks you off your dragonboat. you think you're safe and secure, in control, paddling your way home - and the next moment you're in over your head.

but its always nice to have a safety vest isn't it? sometimes we choose to discard it, and we pay the consequences. real life choices, with real life consequences.

my friend's brother paid that price in very real terms, and its not my intention to make light of that. my point though is, that everyday we make choices, we take risks. we rationalise, we decide.

and our lives turn on these moments, which more often than not, fall out of our expectations. sometimes even, other people make those decisions for us.

for me, i'm happy. it has worked out the best possible for me, i believe. as i told mich, sometimes we have to take a detour to get to our destination.

i just hope that your choices in life bring you home as well, and not get you further lost. if though, its the latter, have faith and He will lead you home.

one little step at a time.

for the non-religious, i have a less esoteric philosophy that somehow works for me as well, and that is - be happy, first. it doesn't work the other way round i realise - working towards happiness. that's an oxymoron if ever there was one!

be happy first with what you have, and not gripe about what you do not. and treasure it will all your heart, because you never know when the next wave will come along and knock it out of your hands.

just be happy first, and somehow, everything will fall nicely into place.

once little piece at a time.

counting down

2007-11-24T23:45:00.000+08:00

its that time of year where we all start counting down to a number of things. christmas for one, the end of 2007 and the start of 2008 for another, or the december bonus perhaps? whatever the reason, i've always enjoyed this time of year, and this year there's even more reason for me to start the countdown with an element of delightful uncertainty.

first things first, i'm heading to new york! really looking forward to that, and its the longest holiday i've ever taken i think! first time to the united states for me as well, and the company i'll have with me is certainly a great great plus! i believe it'll be a lovely holiday, simply because i'll be spending it with those who have a special place in my heart. so if you're trying to look for me between 13th Dec to 2nd Jan, i'll be in another continent, so don't bother. :)

the other thing i'm counting down to is my decision on the next step in my career. i'm currently considering a few options, and trying to work out what is best for me at this stage of my life. while the option to stay on in the military is still there as i wait for them to work out a proposal and route of advancement should i choose to remain with them, i'm also looking earnestly at the other choices i have before me. in some ways, i feel like the proverbial child in a candy shop, but with a lollipop already in my mouth. its a tough choice, really. but whatever i decide upon (and i will, before i leave for the states), i'm looking forward to it!

its certainly going to be an interesting december for me, and i'm glad i can share it with you.

yes, you.

happy holidays ahead!

beautiful to me

2007-11-24T23:38:00.000+08:00

there was a man who lived in a house by the beach. every day in the evening, he would sit on the sand and watch the setting sun. to him, it was the most beautiful thing in the world.

one day, as he was sitting there waiting for the sun to set, a crow flew up to him and asked, "aren't you bored of it already? why do you sit here everyday, watching the same thing over and over again? "

the man thought for awhile, smiled, and replied, "because she gets more and more beautiful every time i see her."

the crow considered his reply, and with a puzzled expression, flew away.

the next evening, the same crow landed upon the man's shoulder, and asked him, "surely the sunset cannot get more and more beautiful with each day; on some days, it must be less so than others. i think you are lying, if not to me, then to yourself."

the man took a moment to ponder the crow's words, before replying, "it is true that sometimes the sun appears less brilliant, and sometimes she hides behind the clouds. sometimes she appears sickly so, and sometimes she seems sad. sometimes she's angry even, and sometimes just tired."

and the man paused a moment, before continuing, "but you know something? always, she is there at the end of the day by my side. now, isn't that beautiful to you?"

day after

2007-10-26T00:35:00.000+08:00

thanks all for the birthday wishes!

and thank you for the wonderful time.

bangkok delight!

2007-10-23T15:31:00.000+08:00

finally have some time to sit down and nuah an afternoon away, out of the office. so thought i should write a long overdue post about my bangkok trip! four of us were planned for the trip - serene, janice, yew ching and myself - but ended up yewching couldn't make it due to some family situation, and therefore was left with the three of us in the end. we booked the davis hotel (a boutique hotel in sukhomvit) - presidential suite mind you, although we thought it was more executive than presidential lah - and away we went. fun fun, haven't gone travelling with serene and janice before, so the two 'in-crowd' atas magazine writers towed this mountain tortise along and introduced me to the finer aspects of decadence. all these, interspersed of course with interesting tidbits of information like how it was possible to grow a penis from an arm, and how to differenciate between a surgically altered she-male and a real she.

the party of three

surprisingly, i thought we didn't do that much shopping - more dining really. symptomatically in typical singaporean fashion, the first place we ate after arriving in bangkok was... macdonald's! hhahha, incredulous i know. but we were kinda hungry while waiting for our room to be prepared and had about a half hour to burn, so off we went to the nearest familiar comfort food - the mac's beside the hotel. well, that being done, we proceeded to inspect our presidential suite - a tad underwhelmed i suppose given our high expectations, but the room was really nice nonetheless, although we hardly spend any time in it :p

after settling in, the next stop was of course - fooood! the gals had a craving for pad thai, and we asked the hotel concierge where we could get our hands on some. that was our first mistake - cos he directed us to some back alley towards a dubious looking place. he apparently had a tie-up with the restaurant and probably earned commission or something. anyway, one glance at the outlet, and the seedy looking restaurant manager who was there waiting (informed of our arrival no doubt by the now-disreputable concierge), and we decided we're better off finding our own food elsewhere.

after walking some way to no avail and derisive laughter from the vendors at a roadside shack when we asked them for pad thai (silly tourists, they must have thought), we hopped on to a cab and settled on heading to emporium to try our luck there. midway through though, the friendly cab driver empathetic no doubt of our search for good authentic thai food, indicated a quaint coffee shop place that he claimed served the bestest kway tiao in bangkok. not to let the opportunity pass, off the cab we hopped, and quickly put paid to one of the best kway tiao soups i've had!

stomachs filled from a satisfying first proper meal, it was off to shopping of course! emporium beckoned - though i didn't quite buy anything there. the gals managed to get themselves some stuff of course, but i guess i wasn't quite in the shopping groove lah. i ended up wandering around the shops outside emporium along the streets for awhile, before heading back in to meet them. next stop, the greyhound cafe there. it was kinda like project shop, only cooler.

serene and me with the cool blackboard thinggy where the menu was written

i loved the dessert.. does anyone remember what this was called? janice remembers it as "some fruity wonder parfait" - refreshing really, and coconutty, which is always good for me :)

done with our endeavours, and with satisfied tummies, we headed back to our presidential suite (must emphasise lah) to rest before heading to cabbages and condoms for dinner. its basically this restaurant that was started up as an initiative to raise awareness on safe sex in thailand. food was alright, and i liked the setting and ambience, and certainly the quirkiness of the decor. i'll let the pics speak for themselves.

ok, to be continued, need to head off now to do some shopping!

what's after thirty?

2007-10-19T14:17:00.000+08:00

yes, i know my birthday hasn't passed, and neither do i really want to reminisce about the past soon-to-be thirty years of my life in my blog. thinking aloud though, i think there are several things for me to look ahead to, preferably before i hit sixty.

1. i'd have travelled to every continent in the world
2. with someone to share it with
3. i would, in fact, love to have my own kids someday - and watch them grow up
4. accomplish something sufficiently altruistic in my life
5. dive at all the best sites in the region
6. plan phiphi
7. write and publish a book
8. teach
9. and retire

what do you think? i think its doable.

thirty

2007-10-17T00:08:00.000+08:00

i'm looking forward to turning thirty next week, really.

i think it'll be the best birthday ever.

中秋节

2007-09-24T00:58:00.000+08:00

i had a delightful early mid-autumn celebration at sentosa with jane, yeelin, sandy and alan. jazz by the beach, a wonderful picnic spread, followed by lanterns and candles by the bright moonlight (refer to their blogs for the graphic-novel version of events, i'm too lazy to repeat em all, heh)!

i can still remember the times when i used to celebrate mid-autumn festival with my family. we held lanterns like the paper ones we carried last night, or sometimes the coloured plastic-film kind. i can still remember when as a family we used to take a long walk along the streets of tiong bahru and practically the whole neighbourhood would be there; what seemed to me to be a million lanterns that mirrored the stars and the single silver moon. we would bring candles and lined the playground with them, dripping wax along the edges and leaving waxmarks that would remain there for years to come.

i remember also the quieter times when i used to carry a lantern with my mum, and walk around hillview avenue taking in the night sky and the mountain breeze.

i remember the fireworks my uncle would bring in from malaysia, to grandma's place, where all the cousins would have a wonderful time setting the skies alight against the backdrop of bukit timah hill, in a display much more amazing (to me) than what any national day parade can and ever will produce.

i remember having mooncakes and tea at jen's place, with family around, playing the piano and reminiscing about the good old days where we held lanterns and walked through the streets.

and now many years down, i will remember a night spent by the beach, with chocolate mooncakes, champagne and wine, sparklers that never seem to end, and excellent company to boot.

thanks for the wonderful time people!

(and with my magic wand, i turned yeelin into a duck! oh wait... too late, she was already one all along, hmm...)

in the park at night

2007-09-02T23:55:00.000+08:00

yay! i can finally run on terra firma already!

did 8 km on friday, and 9 km today (told ya i have a superhuman toe! =Þ) . though i can't sprint or jink around yet, i still managed 9 km in around an hour today, which is reasonable considering the circumstances. felt it twinge a little in the last km, but by and large it held up well, so i'm happy. i get real bored in the gym - the dry monotony just reminds me that i'm a hamster in a manufactured world.

anyway, came across something that touched my heart during my run tonight. i started my jog around 1015pm or so, at bishan park as usual. as i went along, i came across a couple holding hands and strolling along. nothing un-usual there, except that as i drew closer, i realised that it was two guys.

what would your reaction be, to this?

for me, there was something extremely touching and bittersweet about it. i'm reminded of something rob told me sometime back - that for him and his boyfriend, such moments which straight people take for granted, they find so so precious. in what is essentially still a rather conservative society, homosexual couples have to steal time in the cinemas or under cover of darkness to share in moments of simple affection that most of us straight couples think nothing about.

and as i jogged past these two non-descript medium built gentlemen clasping each other's hands and strolling along, a sense of abiding love and tender affection reached out and touched my heart.

i made a point recently when i sent out an email to remind my department that a caring organisation is not realised by how much money you contribute, but rather by how all-encompassing your heart is. let not our successes blinker our minds into believing that we are great.

i'm no gay activist, but personally i feel that only when we are able to accept and celebrate the differences of those around us, can we claim to have grown as a caring people, a matured society, a first world nation.

superhuman toe

2007-08-24T23:29:00.000+08:00

announcement: i ran for an hour on the treadmill today! that's following an hour on the cross trainer as well.

this comes less than two weeks after i fractured my toe - which explains why i'm kinda smug about it. and yes, its a bonafide wayne-rooney-fracture. not a sissy gerrard hairline fracture, not a sprain. doc told me that i'll be out for three months - so naturally i'm determined to recover in one instead! and it looks like i'm making reasonable progress too. can't sprint or jump yet of course, but i did manage a two hour trek on wednesday through bukit timah trail, and two solid hours of gym today.

yes yes, don't nag, i'm supposed to rest and let it heal fully before i stress it and all. but trust me already! i know my limits, and certainly i'm not gonna be stupid about it and break it again. the wonderful thing about the human body is that it can feel pain.

pain tells me when i'm pushing myself beyond my limits. it hollers out, "hey buddy, watch it!" when i am unreasonable. it keeps me aware of what my body needs - which is why i avoid painkillers where possible. after all, why would i want to screw up my own warning indicator? its like having a fire alarm, but disabling it when you most need it.

pain tells me things i need to know, about my body, about character, about myself.

i wouldn' t wish pain on anyone. but if its there, its there for a reason. do listen to it, k?

crocked

2007-08-14T23:41:00.000+08:00

sigh, my third pinky toe on my left foot is officially fractured... the doc took a look at the x-ray, and said casually, "oh, its broken."

darn.

actually, i sorta already knew it when it happened, cos it was all awkward and bent at an impossible angle - although at that time i just snapped it back lah, and wished it would magically heal. that didn't happen of course - though i've often dreamt of living in harry potter world, where with a wave of a wand, everything can be fixed!

fortunately though, we live in a world where bones remain broken until healed. yup, fortunately i say.

because to me, its things like this that remind me that i'm not indestructible. its when i get hurt, that i know i'm still alive and kicking and raring to be back in action even stronger. hurt, pain, setbacks - they do not happen to cause us distress, despite how we feel in that moment. rather, they remind us that we are imperfect, fallible. more importantly though, they remind us that life is not fair and neither is it ideal. it just is.

different people react differently in these situations, and i've always believed that you can choose how you want to take it. some choose to look for support, such as religion or friends. some suck it all in. some blow it all out. i guess i'm more the second. i just snap the toe/finger back in place, and carry on. sure it hurts, but hey its not gonna stop me from living my life the way i hope to. of course, i'm not stupid enough to break it again before it heals, but neither will i paralyse myself in self-pity and wallow. sure, some things will change and it will still hurt when i put weight on it, but with the right support and care the process of healing doesn't have to be prolonged, nor seem so bad.

my god-mum recent found out she had cancer, but instead of moping around and soliciting sympathy from all and sundry, her streak of independence and strength of character came to the front. she was determined not to let something as trivial as a potentiall terminal illness ruin her life, and went about things as naturally as you would. perhaps even with more passion and fervour than before. instead of being the victim, she has turned into the beacon of strength in the family, offering hope and support still for those around her who are languishing in their own little problems. these are the examples in my life that i choose to learn from.

for those who have been hurt, and still feel the pain, however lingering or acute. yes, you. give it time and care, and it will heal - but you gotta do your part as well. there's no magic wand, no incantation. just how you choose to deal with it, and how much you let it affect your life.

like i told pixie today when she wondered how i could still walk around like nothing's wrong, "its a fractured toe, not a broken foot". yes, its crocked. but i'll be damned if i let this stop me from blading, or diving, or even tennis (i think i'll seriously pick it up - need a new sport to indulge in since i don't think i have that many years left in rugby). and i'll start running too, soon.

i'm stubborn like that.

existential me

2007-08-13T01:02:00.000+08:00

bought a paulo nutini cd a couple of days back, love it! has a nice tone, tempo, laidback balladsy - but not saccharine sweet.

one of the things i enjoy most is cruising in the car with music reverberating through. there's something timeless about it - like the world ceases to bother, and only the music, the ride and i exist.

to exist, is important to me. i realise that i'm an existentialist - my writings, my joys, are all derived from the experience of being. being human, being alive. if i were to psycho-analyse myself, i guess its derived from the persistent need to validate myself, that i as an individual matter. it also explains why i'm averse to overt religiosity, because i feel that to emplace my life in the thralls of the afterlife, detracts from the experience of the present.

don't misunderstand, i have nothing against religious beliefs seeing that i essentially grew up in a christian background. but i also want to make the most of my time here, now. i need to be accountable, not simply to any god or diety, but to my own conscience and self. that is why i need to believe that i am responsible for every decision and choice i make in this life. in doing so, it also means that i cannot bring myself to imbibe freely in the notion of spiritual forgiveness and salvation. somehow, i feel that it makes me less human when guilt can be absolved simply by blind faith.

it is why i cringe at the prospect of a monotonous life and job, living day-to-day trying to pay the bills. i enjoy reading, because i hold a myriad of experiences at my fingertips. i revel in the experience of being alive everyday - even though sometimes life sucks big time. it is also why i acutely fear the prospect of being denied my freedom, and why i fear being bed-ridden or invalid, more than i fear death - because i see death in itself as a new and liberating experience that i can look forward to.

that, in essence, is the existential me.

ouch.

2007-08-12T12:06:00.000+08:00

someone stepped on my middle toe.

ouch again.

let's play in the rain!

2007-08-09T22:55:00.000+08:00

i wondered to myself this morning: when was it exactly that i started to fear the rain? for the first time in a long while, i simply let the raindrops fall on me, and arms outstretched, took it all in. nothing else on my mind, or on my heart - but just me embracing a long lost friend. and as i strode across the park, enwrapped in the warm familiarity of her cold comforting touch, i remembered the times when we laughed, ran and yelled together. images of my childhood days flashed across my mind, and i was transported back to when i did not live my life predicated on practicality. to back when it was natural to play in the rain, to fish in the drain, to roll in the sand and lie on the ground. ok, so i still do that - but the point is, back then, it was all done without inhibition and any hint of self consciousness. now, perhaps inevitably, i am aware.

and as i opened myself once again to the rain today, i realised what exactly it was that has been bothering me all this while. the past two to three years in hq has tried to impose upon me the need to fit in with the organisation, to embrace norms. to wear a uniform properly, to write in a certain way, to think in a certain way, to talk in a certain way, to walk in a certain way.

i think intrinsically, that's what's driving me away from staying on where i am.

i want to be able to play in the rain, and not feel odd or out of place. i want to rediscover myself, and not get lost in someone else's social construct.

yes, i have grown up - but that doesn't mean that i have to grow up!

=)

moving along now

2007-08-08T14:21:00.000+08:00

i've been thinking about my future again, and somehow it seems clearer now that a world of possibilities lie ahead. suddenly, moving abroad to work for some years, or just taking time off to travel and see the world - all become real possibilities rather than just something which i hope to be able to do. i have about five months before i leave the sanctuary of the military, and start anew. let's hope things become clearer over the next couple of months.

what i've learnt this year though is that your life can turn on any of a number of things. many a times, its just beyond your control. as i near the big three-0, its certainly apt to take stock of what i've achieved so far. in real terms, i would say i've achieved nothing; because while i have always been comfortable, i've lived hand to mouth mostly and i don't own anything worth bragging about. when i leave the comfort of my job, i'm gonna be out of a career. and certainly i'm nowhere close to having a family of my own.

but (and this is a really significant "but", i feel) thankfully for me, i've never measured my life in real terms. while like everyone else, i've been attracted to the prospect of owning a nice car and having a big house to call my own, i've never craved for it, really. nice to have, good to have sometimes, but not something by which i would measure my life against. as i take stock of the last thirty years, i think i'm actually satisfied and pleased with what i have achieved - and that is to mature as a person. i've gained invaluable perspectives on what it means to be human - on being a friend, a lover, a son, a man. i've learned to be happy with myself and my place in a world that contends to constantly judge. i've grown to be able to see the flip side to things, to understand what it means to stand on both sides of the fence. i can appreciate the simple pleasures of a nice day spent reading a good book by the beach, and listening to the waves.

this year has been one of change and uncertainty; from career, to family, to love. its almost as if my life has chosen to disassemble and reset itself in time for my thirtieth. but i don't go into the next thirty armed with nothing. in truth, i'm looking forward to it with a much greater confidence and self assuredness than i have ever had before.

to all those who like me, felt that your life has turned inside out, or that you've lost your bearings - look back at the years behind not in sadness or regret, but with an optimism of what it has taught you for your future.

pause awhile, take a deep breath, and move along now.

where do i find strength?

2007-08-03T00:06:00.000+08:00

in the light of what has happened recently, some have asked me how i carry on the way i do, and i've thought about it myself as well. aren't i bitter or angry? shouldn't i be consumed by hurt? truth is, of course, that these emotions have crossed me at some stage or other. at some time or other, i have felt pain and sadness - but these fade quickly, swept away with the rain. and what remains is an abiding sense of love that was shared, that is still shared. and it is this which allows me to stay strong, for both of us, because i know deep down that i do not need to possess her to love her. what matters is that she is happy, and i shall do all i can to ensure that.

i've lived my whole life this way, giving freely and asking for nothing in return. perhaps this is why i can still remain close to those i truly care for, and promise them that i shall be there for them when they need me (though perhaps not always when they want me to be).

love, to me, is not about taking but about giving. to me, a relationship or a marriage is not about gaining any magical bond or influence over your lover. it is not about wishing to possess the person for your own. it is not about being able to declare to the world that he/she is now taken, and exclusively yours.

instead, to me, it is about letting the other person know that you have committed to giving your partner everything in your ability to give, so that she can be happy. and if you've managed that, you've managed to truly love another apart from yourself. it hasn't been easy, but its something i've learnt along the way.

i have loved three people in my life, not of my family. each is special in her own right, and certainly there isn't any basis or reason to compare. i am thankful that they have each lighted up my life when they did, and brought reason to my existence and shared that space in time with me. i am also glad and proud that i can still call all three my friends, and for that, i thank you for having me as such.

i guess what i wanted to say is that, i find strength, not weakness, in love.

and i hope you can too.

water sprite, drowning by the morning light

2007-07-25T00:11:00.001+08:00

seems like its really heading to be a bad year for me... i still hope that things will turn out better, cos i'm a hopeful person. but hope is really a flimsy concept. it tantalises you into believing that everything will be alright - but what it really does is laugh at you in the face when things fail.

but still, i'm a hopeful person, because i know not how else to live my life.

and it is from one of those moments when i felt infused by the hope that grows from life, that i wrote this - entitled water sprite:

Have you ever thought of what it'd mean,
for us to sit beside a stream?
With tadpoles nibbling at our toes,
a constant reminder of what life can bring.

Have you ever fell adrift,
in the ocean wide and free?
With remoras suckling off your skin
as the currents cross and draw you in.

Have you ever sat beneath a waterfall,
hands outstretched in mock attempt to stem the flow?
Your senses drowned by the pounding roar,
infusing, sustaining, demanding more.

Have you ever dripped dry in the rain,
and wondered what the clouds might think?
As nightfall lingers the forest grows in
sound and smell as the dewdrops sing.

Have you ever splashed a puddle?
An exuberant leap into its midst!
A tidal wave of playfulness spreads
from ear to ear, as you grin and laugh and scream!

Have you ever caught a teardrop in your palm?
And wondered why your heart extends,
a tentative word, a gentle caress,
that only wants everything right again.

----------------------------

to remind myself of what life can bring, and also that perhaps, everything can still be right again...

education isn't a numbers game

2007-06-21T10:16:00.000+08:00

i haven't posted in awhile, but this article caught my eye and made me think about how our school system has made us all so rank conscious, and breeds a misplaced sense of extreme competition. education to me isn't about comparing your academic accomplishments with others, but about growing the self. i hope i never end up falling into the paper chase trap with my kids in future.

----------------------

From Janine Brady
CNN

(CNN) -- If presidents of some of the nation's top liberal arts colleges get their way, they will no longer be included in the U.S. News and World Report's influential collegiate ranking system.

At issue is the "reputation survey," a part of the ranking system that is filled out by the presidents of colleges included in the survey.

Presidents from some of the nation's leading private and liberal arts colleges met in Annapolis Tuesday to discuss a possible boycott. Approximately 80 presidents and 71 academic deans of the nation's leading liberal arts colleges attended the annual meeting of the Annapolis Group, an organization made up of 121 private and liberal arts colleges.

Todd Wilson, director of communications for Sarah Lawrence College -- which is among those not participating in the reputation survey -- called it "a collegiate beauty contest that is not a valid basis for judging the quality of education."

While the group did not call for an overall boycott of the rankings system, according to its newly named chair, Kate Will, the majority of members indicated their intent to stop participating in the reputation survey, which produces what she says is "not educationally valid research."

A letter was sent out last May by Lloyd Thacker, executive director of The Education Conservancy, and 12 college presidents to hundreds of their colleagues asking them to "refuse to fill out the U.S. News and World Report reputation survey and refuse to use the rankings in any promotional efforts on behalf of their college or university."

Thacker told CNN that "rankings have reduced students to consumers, education to product, and gaining admission into college a high-priced game that has to be played."

The letter has acquired 22 new signatures since it was sent out May 10, and it received overwhelming support in Annapolis on Tuesday.

The survey conducted by U.S. News and World Report asks college presidents and top academic leaders to rate other colleges they know based on their opinion alone, and their responses then count for 25 percent of the school's ranking.

William Durden, president of Dickinson College -- which was ranked 41st by U.S. News and World Report for liberal arts colleges -- was one of the original presidents to sign the letter. He told CNN that he believes the reputation survey "rewards established patterns only, without any credence for schools who have made improvements over the years."

The chief editor of U.S. News and World Report, Brian Kelly, defended the survey.

"The reputation survey is very standard," he said. "While I recognize that the results are subjective, it is a way for students to get intangibles about colleges."

Kelly estimates that, on average, half a million prospective students read U.S. News and World Report, so not submitting ranking information could hurt the recruiting efforts of colleges, particularly those that are not very well known.

"We are happy the group did not decide to do a blanket boycott," he said, "but if enough officials don't submit surveys about less-known schools, those colleges and universities are likely to fall off the ranking list."

Members of the Annapolis Group agreed that refusal to use the U.S. News and World Report rankings should be accompanied by creation of an alternative way for prospective students to get information about a variety of colleges. They said they will work with other organizations, such as the Council of Independent Colleges and the National Association of Independent Colleges and Universities, to provide prospective students with comparable information.

Tony Pals, spokesman for the NAICU, has said the association is in the process of making a template of Web-based information collected through focus groups with students and parents on different variables about individual colleges.

While The Annapolis Group consists of only private and liberal arts schools, Will told CNN that public schools are interested in the topic as well. "I don't think there is anyone in higher education who is not thinking about this issue," she said.

Doug Bennett, president of Earlham College -- ranked 65th by U.S. News and World Report for liberal arts colleges -- told CNN that "one ranking number does not represent anything about educational quality."

It is the general consensus of the group that the ranking system causes anxiety in students about getting into a top-ranked school when that might not be the best school for that particular student.

Said Will, "There's a college out there where every student can flourish and grow. Students don't have to go to the wealthiest or top-ranked school to get a good education."

CNN's Caleb Silver contributed to this report.

today

2007-05-23T23:00:00.000+08:00

happy birthday mum.

hahha, this site is fun! try it!

2007-05-22T23:44:00.000+08:00

this is the first try:

here's the second time!

and here's sand's!

heh, i'm easily amused :p

i see beauty

2007-04-30T01:02:00.000+08:00

I see beauty through these eyes,

A thousand colours splashed across our lives,

In every shade a story to relate,

That we may be different, but beauty is innate.

I see beauty through these eyes,

A kaleidoscope of stars spread across the skies,

In every twinkle a hope to find,

The incandescent dreams of a beautiful mind.

this is a poem i wrote when i needed something that encapsulates my feelings and thoughts about fern; this young lady i met recently through my involvement in path (a social enterprise initiative). she has down syndrome, but manages to create the most wonderful artpieces that can be described as a collage of colours. to find out more about her artwork, you can drop by the pop and talent hub (path) market at vivocity, outside food republic. it runs every first and last weekend of the month, and sometimes you'll see me helping out there.

anyhow, the poem above encapsulates my thoughts on many issues. certainly, 'perspective' is one that stands out strongly. it can be read in a number of ways, but probably the easiest manner to relate from the start is to look at the two stanzas separately. the first can be seen as what i felt when trying to look through fern's eyes. its fern's story, her perspective. following on, the second stanza can then be read as how i, as an independent person, was inspired by fern. how she made me realise that everyone, no matter how different, is so very special, gifted and blessed.

however, the poem also talks of more than just fern specifically, but also captures my commentary about life, and how we relate to it. it speaks of how comfortable we are in our own skins, in different 'shades', with our race, religion, our differences, our commonalities, our personas. it asks questions of how each of us have our own unique story to tell, but yet are often told by others, by the media, by society that just because we are different or think differently, we are less 'beautiful' or accepted.

the poem speaks of the hopes and dreams that each and everyone of us harbour in our hearts. it aims to inspire everyone to recognise our dreams, and capture that feeling of wonderment we feel when we gaze into the stars above us and dream about what is out there. the poem tries to reflect that back upon the reader - with the message that you, too, are a star full of promise, if only you'd realise it as well.

the third way to read it is really about mindsets. the poem encourages us to look beyond the physical or the obvious, to understand that everyone wears different lenses and sees things differently. that so long as you want to, you can see beauty everywhere, in even the simplest things which we take for granted. in understanding that, you'd also realise that behind every trying situation, there are always positives (and hope!) if you'd only know where to look.

it hopes to change how you deal with people around you. people you love, those who cause you pain or put obstacles along your journey, those that trouble or create problems for you, those whom you take for granted. the poem tries to bring across the message that if only you could put on their lenses and see things from their point of view, you'd see the uniqueness and motivations in each of them. and even if you don't manage to understand or agree with them, the very fact that you tried already changes the nature of your relationship, for the better.

i like this poem, and so i'm sharing it with all of you. i hope at some level it touches you, just as how fern has touched me.

new layout!

2007-04-27T18:05:00.000+08:00

heh, got tired of the old, boring layout - so i decided to spruce it up a bit! much brighter don't you think?

frailty

2007-03-26T15:22:00.000+08:00

thanks all for the concern from the last entry - i'm fine, just needed to let my emotions out a little in the last post. glad also to report that all's better now :)

its been an eventful week that lends a tremendous perspective to life, and its frailties. i'll elaborate on the cryptic references from my last post; basically my dad was admitted for severe migraine, and underwent an MRI as well to check for brain tumour. as can be imagined, it was a rollercoaster ride for the family as we went from uncertainly to mixed relief when no tumour was found, but the cause of the migraine is still uncertain. this followed soon after from my godmum being diagnosed with cancer at the start of the year - she's undergoing treatment now.

its typical isn't it, how life pulls the rug from under you, to keep you in check just as you feel in your comfort zone. strangely, as if to impress the point, this was emphatically driven home to me over the weekend. the next part is gonna sound dramatic, but its all true.

i went for a dive trip to pulau aur, with sandra and some colleagues. it was the fourth dive of the day, and started off pleasantly enough as four of us were drifting along with the current and taking in the sights. just as we started enjoying ourselves, the current picked up, and our world turned inside out, almost literally. the force of the current drove us from a comfortable 15m to a disconcerting 25m within a couple of mins. suddenly we realised we were in trouble, and called the dive. we tried as best to raise our depth, with tremendous difficulty. the next thing we knew, the current actually drove us upwards and outwards such that we could not longer see the sea bottom or the reef. within one or two mins we went from 25m to 9m. we were struggling to regain control of anything (later we realised that we were actually caught in the cross currents between the channel and the open sea, which created some sort of a 'washing machine' effect in dave's words).

as sands was not the most experienced of divers, my prevailing fear was that she would have given in to the pressure due to her inexperience and shoot straight up to the surface, which would have resulted in severe and life-threatening DCS for sure. somewhere in between i actually started to have cramps in my leg, which i knew then was not due to any muscular fatigue, but from the effects of nitrogen in my blood expanding when we shot up from 25m almost to the surface. forcibly, with sandra clinging on helplessly to me, i had to force adjust our buoyancy to lower depths to begin a more measured ascent. this created problems as sands couldn't equalise quickly enough, and the pain to her was obvious even as her nose started to bleed. the next 5 to 10 mins was a struggle to maintain control of buoyancy at that depth and in that tumultuous current, where i had to compensate by adjusting both our bcds and do a slow and safe deco ascent for both of us. later sands told me she had actually started to hallucinate at some point, but trusted me enough to let me do the job. thank god for that, because if she had struggled, i have no doubt we both would have been in the hospital, and in a hyperbaric chamber right now.

before anyone panics, i'd just like to say that we're both fine and sandra is well apart from slight shock, the nosebleed, and some trauma to the eardrums from the pressure which should recover with some rest. my colleagues are fine as well, thankfully, as we all managed to surface safely. there was a panicky moment on the surface as we were picked up by separate boats after being flung far away from the dive site, and weren't sure whether each other was safe.

a host of feelings came to me as we were down there struggling. fear certainly, as we spun out of control, but it was soon replaced by an assuredness amidst the chaos as the training and experience kicked in and i found the calmness and strength to regain control of the situation. in the transition between fear to control, the prevailing thought was not so much that i was afraid to die (which in fact didn't come across at all), but that i could not allow sands to come to harm.

reference my post sometime back, i spoke of how i drew strength in the face of helplessness. now ever more so, i'm determined to learn from this experience. in fact, i went straight in for two more dives the very next day, and rounded off an eventful week by emerging stronger from the experience. both times - when my dad's prognosis looked bad, and when we were struggling for dear life under the oceans - i was able to take the sense of helplessness and turn that into strength. both times, amidst the uncertainty, i learnt to find my emotional center and gain a clear sense of purpose. both times, the frailty of life was painfully impressed on me, and i emerged a better man from the experience.

life's like that i guess. it presents to you a road, but takes you on a journey by throwing innumerable twists, turns and roadblocks along the way. sometimes roadsigns are posted to remind you that there are dangers ahead, things to note, signs that point in different directions. sometimes, speed limits are posted for your own good. but at the end of the day, you're the one driving the bus.

what do you make of your life, your journey?

in the short span of a week, i've affirmed that i'm the type to take what life throws at me, and throw it right back. i'm not going to stop diving, just because of this incident. neither am i going to be paralysed with fear and paranoia because of the series of health scares in the family. all the more i realise i need to make sure that i'm more than competent in what i do, and be strong enough to cope when contingencies happen, both for my sake as well as for my loved ones. for those divers reading this, don't stop diving - but dive safe, and dive knowing that whatever happens, you are more than competent to handle it.

in the midst of frailty, i find the strength and courage to live and love.

how about you?

it's not easy, but i'm stronger than you think

2007-03-18T23:44:00.000+08:00

looks like its going to be a very trying year for me, mentally and emotionally. a year of introspection, of reflection. a year of challenges, of change. i've long since accepted the fact that control is an illusion; and that fate is not what life deals us, but how we deal with life. i've come through much in my 30 years, more than most but less than many, and i'd like to believe that i'm strong enough to handle anything that's thrown at me. still, it's not easy.

for those around me who i know care so much, i just need you to know i appreciate you for just being there when i need you. however, in the face of adversity, i am probably not like you. if i'm aloof, please forgive me and let me be. if i'm silent, allow me my peace. if i smile, laugh with me, and if i cry, just hold my hand and stand by me.

tennis is tiring me out

2007-01-14T22:22:00.000+08:00

don't you feel sometimes that there are more things you want to do than you have the time or energy to go about it? and how often do you prioritise, make the logical choice, and just let your heart's fancy slip away? i think i'm at a stage of my life where i'm trying to juggle many different wants and needs. to use the metaphor of a see-saw, i'm trying to balance many things and achieve equilibrium through the choices i'm making.

at work, to borrow a term from tennis, i'm struggling to find my 'sweet spot'. interestingly, the tennis metaphor quite neatly sums up my struggle and frustrations as well. i feel myself trying my darnest to get the ball over to the other court, but somehow it just keeps coming right back at me. after awhile, i start to realise that its not just about getting the ball over the court, but the challenge is in crafting the perfect play and making that perfect shot. the struggle is in finding my rhythm and pace, and outwitting the opponents.

at the personal level, i'm looking to find the space and opportunity to express myself better, and to find meaning to balance off the sense of intransigency at work. i'm looking to consolidate my relationship with my partner and my family by taking a longer term view of my future and planning for it, and also to get more involved in activities outside my usual ambit. be it coaching or volunteering, or widening my circle of friends, i believe the impetus behind it is really to find meaning in life in areas that i used to define by work. if work is tennis, my personal life can be defined as the racquet and shoes that provide me the platform and the means to challenge in the game.

equilibrium is an interesting notion. to strive to achieve that perfect balance. now, what comes to mind when you think of equilibrium and balance? to me, its not symmetry but rather a seemingly random collection of objects of disparate weight, shape and sizes finely poised at the pivot point of a see-saw. equilibrium to me is the pursuit of that state of balance. however, the complexity in that challenge lies in the constant need to re-distribute the weights because new packets are constantly being added or taken away. equilibrium becomes therefore a process and not an end - and its tiring.

i guess that's the key point stuck in my mind today that i need to get off my chest - that the human condition compels us to find our balance, but the struggle to find that balance can be so exhausting that sometimes you'd just want to give up the game. but still we strive on, almost foolishly at times it seems.

and as we try to find our 'sweet spot', we feel the meaning and purpose emerge as we aim for the perfect shot, the perfect play, the perfect balance; to be 'in the zone'.

damn its tiring, but hell, i'm gonna make that winning shot even if it kills me!

and so this is christmas

2006-12-25T23:19:00.000+08:00

a merry christmas shout-out to all!

wish christmas was as great for you as it was for me =)

this year, i think i got a little closer towards understanding what all the hoo ha is about. its strange that i'm saying this, because xmas has always been my favourite holiday, without me really knowing why. maybe its the weather, the sky, or just the whole mood and feel of the season. maybe its because xmas was always the time for family gatherings, exchanging presents, catching up with the people you love. maybe its just cos i love xmas trees. i'm sure somewhere along there's a freudian or kantian explanation to it, some memory buried deep within the recesses of my mind to explain why every christmas, i find some happiness and delight in the festivities.

this year though, i found something special. i found meaning.

i spent the day before xmas eve, and xmas eve itself helping out as a volunteer at a social enterprise bazaar at vivocity. although all i did was man the cashier, it allowed me to see christmas in a brand new perspective. the event itself was an initiative in social entrepreneurship - basically works along the principle of "give someone a fish, and you feed him for a day. teach him how to fish and he'll never be hungry for life". social enterprise basically encourages the dis-advantaged to make something out of what skills they have or can acquire, and market them for some profit. at the bazaar, we have products made by the deaf and dumb, the physically handicapped, the autistic, etc, the profits of the proceeds are then channelled back to their respective causes. there were choirs, artists supporting them as well, which gave the whole event a nice carnival feel bathed in the spirit of christmas.

in the 3 days i spent there (i helped out for a day there during the previous weekend as well), i felt touched by the groundswell of support by passersby, shoppers; everyone basically. smiles were exchanged, words from the heart were said, and from those who didn't speak their eyes spoke for them. at the end of the day, i'm glad that i was a part of it, in some small way. i also learnt something which i told sands (my gf): that i realised that christmas isn't about the presents, the festivities and the occasion. its about the time, effort and thought that went into all of those. its about knowing that the people around you cared enough to want to celebrate it with you, to prepare a gift that might not be expensive or fancy - but showed the thoughtfulness and love that only a true heart can give.

this year too, i spent christmas with the people closest to me. with sands, with my dad and jess, with my grandmother. and know something? i realise this is enough for me - no parties, no big boisterous drunken fests, nothing fancy. just a nice quiet time, with the people i love. it would have been nicer if i could have squeezed in a nice time with my closest friends somewhere along the week, but apart from that i'm happy. =)

well, that's all for my christmas post - here's wishing all my friends a wonderful christmas! apologies if i haven't sent out many well wishes this year, either through sms or cards or emails - but it's been a nice, personal christmas for me. hope you all know that even if you didn't hear from me, my heart and my thoughts were, and are, with you.

god bless.

moving on

2006-08-19T16:14:00.000+08:00

recently i've come to a sort of orwellian epiphany, and realised that i want a different direction in my life. it's interesting how the realisation has been just loitering at the back of my mind, and how i've allowed the material to overcome the ideological. and with these new lenses, i look around and am slightly overwhelmed by the notion that so many people have come to these crossroads like i have, and have chosen to be pragmatic.

pragmatic. its hardly a dirty word, but somehow in this light, it seems... tainted. it's a good enough word; honest, unassuming, even stoic. but it lacks the appeal of 'aspire', the whimsicality of 'dream', and certainly pales when held up against the sense of danger conveyed by 'venture'. truth is, i want to aspire, to dream and certainly to venture forward and unlock the world before me, one trapdoor at a time. i don't want to be pragmatic, and cloister myself in a bastion of comfort and certainty.

my decision has come as a minor shock to many, and my reply to the 'why?'s will be simple - if i stay where i am, i will be comfortable, stable and enjoy relative success; but i will never touch the dreams that excite my mind and challenge my world. an irony of life is that for most of our conscious moments, we constantly seek to control, to organise our reality; but it is through the uncertainty of dreams that we measure the value of our lives.

i'm glad that i'm able to come to this choice, and i'm glad that the emotional foundation and support is there to allow me this. my family, my friends, and most importantly my dear rum, are all ready to stand by me as i make the transition.

with this, i shall take the step and move on without fear or regret.

i'm whiskey?

2006-08-09T23:05:00.000+08:00

You Are Whiskey

You're a tough drinker, and you take it like a man
That means no girly drinks for you - even if you are a girl
You prefer a cold, hard drink at the end of the day
Every day, in fact. And make that a few.

What Alcoholic Drink Are You?

my life, rated

2006-04-21T01:03:00.000+08:00

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	8.2
Mind:	7.8
Body:	9.2
Spirit:	8.2
Friends/Family:	4.9
Love:	7.9
Finance:	8.1
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

compassion

2006-04-02T01:08:00.000+08:00

i picked up an old lady today, as i was driving along the expressway. she was walking along the side of the busy highway, with a blue plastic bag in hand. i stopped, asked her to get in, and tried to figure out where she was headed, or where she lived. she was a sturdy old lady, taking each step surely and purposefully. age had caught up with her, and afflicted what was obviously once an exquisite mind. this lady, whom i shall call elly (just one of a few names she could remember, that might possibly refer to herself), conversed in a smattering of dialect, english and malay. as we waited at the police post, and tried to make sense of who she was, and where she lived, she joked and made fun of the officers there, bantering with an open heart and mind about all and sundry. elly was fiercely independent, but not stubborn nor difficult. as she declined to stay in the police post, for the next few hours, i accompanied her as we went for a long walk while the police tried to track down her next of kin (a tough assignment given that she carried nothing significant to aid in identifying her).

for the next few hours, as i walked beside this old lady whose hunched body seemed intent to make up for her mental incapacities, i was led to examine my own values and character. as we paced purposefully towards wherever elly thought would lead to home, i saw glimpses of the wonderful, compassionate lady that i have no doubt elly was, and is. she had a kind, gentle manner, and her smile was sincere and open. we went by an ethnic procession of sorts, and she went right up and shook the hands of a couple of malay ladies in the procession, extending smiles, a kind word and well wishes to complete strangers. they, in return, did the same - and the world seemed better already. in another incident, elly went up to a little boy, to touch his face and show her affection. the boy was startled, as were his parents initially - but their wary, apprehensive looks were soon displaced when they saw nothing but care and concern in elly's eyes.

the walk was peppered with these incidents of smiles exchanged, and hearts opened. along the way, elly chattered non-stop, giving me advise about life, and sharing her experiences unreservedly. one moment she was telling me that in today's age, two children would be ideal, and that i must always be filial to my parents, and teach my children to be filial as well. in another moment, she was empathising with me about my mum who had passed away when i was young. yes, she was some women, this elly.

soon after, the police called me back and said that they would be picking elly up and sending her to hq to be identified. by this time, we had already walked clear across the neighbourhood, and they had to come pick us up from jcc. i'm glad to say that elly did eventuallly manage to get home - her son apparently came to pick her up some hours later, from police hq. i hope she's fine now, and a part of me also hopes that she doesn't blame me for leaving her with the police in the end. as i said goodbye to her in the back of the police car, she seemed happy, although a little confused. but i still remember her warm, open manner, and that magical smile.

after the police drove off with her, i went into my car, started the engine, drove off, and tears started falling from my eyes... i suddenly felt an intense sadness that completely overcame me. even now, i'm not too sure why i feel this way. perhaps its because i see my fears being realised - of the people close to me fall victim to the ills of growing old. perhaps its because i feel anger and sadness at how it was possible that this old lady could walk along the stretch of an expressway, without anyone stopping to inquire or help, before i did... where is the compassion? are our lives just about getting from one place to another, ignoring everything in between? did anyone stop to think: what if this was their own mother? would they let her walk along the side of an expressway? would they not have liked someone to stop, and help? perhaps i'm just tired. tired of chasing after things that do not matter. perhaps i just feel guilt. guilt at always telling myself that i need to do more for the less fortunate, but stop short of actually doing anything beyond the odd donation here and there.

i think we need a little less pace, and a lot more compassion in our lives. please take a moment to consider this, and perhaps think of how you can make that little difference to someone, anyone. for me, i will always remember elly for having shown me that without compassion, we're nothing.

another new year

2006-01-15T19:51:00.000+08:00

i wonder if its a function of age, or a function of aging, but doesn't it seem that each new year becomes just that little less significant?

in this age, a year just doesn't seem as iconic as before. it flickers past, and fades into obscurity. just when you think you've gotten hold of 2005, 2006 is here. its interesting how we revere the new year as some sort of an awakening, a renewal, a death leading to a beginning. its these short term milestones that we predicate our lives upon, because its how the human mind quantifies our purpose. we try to find our place in history, and create significance from events. new years, birthdays, anniversaries, the inumerable occasions that we celebrate - all to convince ourselves that with each passing of the old and bringing in of the new, things will be different. lest i start to sound too cynical, i'm not ranting against this phenomenal need to benchmark our lives - i'm just observing. and in observing, it intuitively seems...inadequate somehow. its even becomes a struggle, when we naturally begin to set deadlines for ourselves, consciously or unconsciously. and when everything else in our age moves on at an increasingly faster pace, doesn't it make it seem that our lives become exponentially less significant, in the measure of a year?

or perhaps my sentiments stem from the function of aging. perhaps with each year that we add to our lives, the next becomes just that little less significant in the grand measure of our lives. at the age of 2, a year represents half of our experiences; at 20, its 1/20th of it. "so much to do, so little time to do it"? i think rather, that the problem isn't time, but the many things we try to pack our lives with.

i think milestones in our lives will form naturally, and certainly deserve to be celebrated - god knows i have so much to be thankful for, every year. but perhaps we can better appreciate our lives if we move away from the incessant need to create new, frivolous ones; and instead remember those that are truly important to us. maybe then, the year can seem like a lifetime, again.

i'm still alive, are you?

2005-12-03T23:38:00.000+08:00

no, i haven't disappeared from the face of the earth. comp was giving me problems for some time, so finally got round to getting a new one! so now i've got a spanking new rig that's gaming configured, heh, not that i really get round to gaming much. i also doubt this new comp will change my blogging experience, but at least i'm back in the blogging business. its the typical guys and gadgets thing i guess.

i realise that i have a compulsive disorder. i like to buy stuff, new stuff, good stuff. more often than not, they are expensive too. you know how sometimes when we go shopping, and have to decide between two different models of the same item; where one is what we need in its most basic form, and the other being what we want with add ons, or supposedly better quality, better design, etc? i always choose the latter - which more often than not is plenty more expensive. i can't help myself really, cos the other would just somehow seem inadequate.

i read in a horoscope some weeks back, which tells me that i have an inclination towards the finer things in life - and i can't see myself disagreeing with that. sure, i can rough it out when i have to, or survive on a pittance, or deprive myself of certain luxuries. but i don't see why i should. i may not be rich, but nor am i foolish. i just love to indulge.

don't you?

well, if you ask me, you should. indulge.

so, who's starting the fan club for shijia?

2005-11-06T01:40:00.000+08:00

so strange to have a famous friend - all the best gal!

check out these links:
http://61.31.237.34/
http://www.him.com.tw/

drugs, death and imprisonment

2005-11-05T23:17:00.000+08:00

there's been alot being written recently about the death penalty - drawn out by the sentence meted to yet another poor sod sorry enough to be caught running drugs through our draconian state. this time, its an allegedly nice guy, whom everyone loves - from fellow inmates, to prison wardens. the people protest and governments appeal to exempt him from the death penalty. as the social commentary unfolds, he has become an icon for all to compound their issues upon. it is about him, but yet, not about him. on the one hand, the appeal is to exempt him from the sentence. on the other, it is using his nice, friendly, gentle disposition as a shining beacon for why the death penalty is too harsh, and too terrible a judgement to lay down by the state on any individual. the arguments contend that the death penalty had never been effective in detering crime. it's against human rights. it's inhumane. it's flawed. and since its irrevocable once delivered, its unacceptable.

personally though, i'm not sure which is more unacceptable, and inhumane: to take away one's liberty and imprison him for life, or to just kill him and be done with it. the way i look at it, if you're gonna take away 25 years of my life by locking me in a cell, and expect to release me into the world like a newborn babe, reformed, ready and able to contribute positively to society, i say you're living with your head stuck in the clouds hovering over pleasantville.

i'm no liberalist. i don't feel particularly compassionate about drug traffickers, regardless how nice they are and how desperate the situation that is forced upon them is. maybe its because i've seen up close and first hand how lives and families have been destroyed by drugs. for each person who abuses the substance, a whole family suffers, and quite inevitably dies (sometimes literally so, sometimes metaphorically). the amount the said person was carrying was allegedly sufficient to provide for 28000 doses. given that the amount is sufficient to 'feed' 7000 druggies (4 doses each), and each druggie has a family of 4 (be it wife, child or parents), that's 28000 lives shot out by the thoughtless and utterly selfish act, perpetuated by this supposedly nice, innocent, drug runner.

i'll be honest, i'm really not sympathetic.

but if the death sentence isn't the way to go, i've no qualms to locking him up for 28 years (counting that 28000 lives are quite directly dead by his gentle, innocent hands, i think he's getting off cheap). switch over to his perspective - if you're gonna lock me up and release me when i'm 50, and hope that i have a beautiful life thereafter, i'd say skip the pleasantries, just hang me already. cos chances are, he'll spend the next 28 years experiencing the following unfold: getting sodomised for the next half of his life/his wife leaving him and sleeping with another man/his children forgetting his very existance/him developing a knack for knitting (no disrespect intended against avid knitters). after all that, i'm just not so sure that the nice, innocent drug runner will be thanking his lucky stars that our state doesn't have the death penalty, but he gets to pay a life penalty instead.

to be honest, i'm totally in agreement with the arguments that it serves no purpose to hang the drug runners, while the distributors and kingpins run free. i probably don't see the point of hanging the poor sods who are just trying to make a living/dig their families out of debt/pay off their gambling debts/blackmailed into it/etc.. so sure, don't hang them, lock them up for the rest of their lives (since surely noone intends to call for a complete acquittal on the grounds of "niceness"). just don't expect them to thank you for sparing their lives, but taking away their reasons to live.

wonderful day

2005-10-30T23:30:00.000+08:00

and some sundays are better spent with the ones you love, lazing by the beach...

older

2005-10-29T03:37:00.000+08:00

we grow old so quickly. no, i'm not only saying this cos i'm officially in my late 20s. rather, i mean that we all grow old in the mind, and the heart, so quickly. its almost as if we want to leave our childhood behind. like we feel a compulsion to cast away the innocence of youth, and grow up.

my question is, why should we?

some people ask me - so what does it feel like to be 28? don't you feel old? truth is, i feel now just as i felt when i was 18. 10 years, and i don't feel an ounce older, nor any younger. society, peer pressure, family - all contributing factors towards hastening our 'oldening' process. suddenly, once we get our identity card, we're expected to grow up a little. when we're past 16, we can have sex. when we pass 18, we're officiously labelled as responsible teenagers. when we're past 21, we're young adults and can, by judicial mandate, vote. when we're past 24, its time to cast aside the excuses and, well, grow up!

yet, for much of our remaining life after, we spend reminiscing about how wonderful it was to be young. how great it would be to be able to act without a care, to cast away the vestiges of age, and just be happy, careless, and god forbid, even foolish! how often do we bring ourselves to commit to what our heart desires?

i'm not childish, i'm not a rebel. but i do believe in the need to express ourselves. life is demanding enough as it is, without us having to mould ourselves to the expectations of others. so what if i want to hop around the office and make fun of people? so what if i choose to behave like a kid, have a laugh, and play stupid games? does it really matter if i scream and shout in the middle of a busy street, in town? what matters if i want to inject a little creativity into a dull process?

we're led to believe that, once we cross the imaginery line that demarcates youth and adulthood, we can no longer indulge in the former but should immerse ourselves in the latter condition (yes, i consider it a condition - much like a disease that infects the heart and mind, but not as easily treated). our social environment constantly seek to bracket and pigeon-hole us, because if we don't fit, we're mis-fits. the human psyche can't help but seek to organise, to stabilise, and inherently it seeks stagnation. change, anomaly and inconsistency are such scary words. and yet they are all inevitable.

i believe that we should stop struggling against the inevitability of chaos. let us not seek to constantly legislate our behaviour, or suppress our dreams. what we want to do is natural. what we fear, is often inculcated. certainly common sense should prevail, but that's not an excuse to deny ourselves the chance to make mistakes, to seem stupid, or to have the right to make stupid decisions attributable to the carelessness of our youth.

you're only as old as you think you are, or how you allow yourself to be thought of. conversely, you're only as young, and irresponsible, as you allow yourself to be.

sundays

2005-10-23T15:21:00.000+08:00

its a sunday, and all's well in my world.

sundays are great for just spending time with yourself, for introspection. a good book, a nice cup of coffee at the kopitiam downstairs, and i'm all set for the day. or maybe i'll just stay indoors and let myself get lost in the box of colorful, noiseful moving pictures in my room. or maybe i'll head down to the driving range to whack a few golf balls. or maybe i'll go blading along the beach.

sundays should never be hectic, frenzied and eventful. christians probably have it right here, in that sundays are a day of rest, and reverence.

i like sundays, cos i have the whole day to myself.

perhaps

2005-10-22T17:09:00.000+08:00

finally, i get to rest...

past 2 weeks have been non-stop work, wake, work. been putting in 18 hour days, just about everyday. but it was fun! great learning experience as well, and reminds me why i enjoy my job so. its strange how few people i speak to truly enjoy what they are doing. be it studying, or working, or just life in general. now, i don't consider myself a workaholic - but i do find a great degree of satisfaction in my work; thus i don't mind putting in the hours to get things right. anyway, it was an interesting lead up to this major event in the workyear for me, and quite suddenly, its over.

now, what next?

i guess this is where i find myself less sure of. at work, i can set my aims, my objectives, my direction. its when i leave work that i start to think about where i'm heading. now i'm not unhappy or sad or depressed or anything; on the contrary i'm quite happy with the way i spend my time away from work - rugby, diving, reading, going out with friends, making new ones, etc. just that, its less focused. where is it heading? where am i heading?

typically, people around me have started to plan to settle down, build a family and all. but i find it strange. is that a direction? is that something to excite my soul and incite my mind? will i be any less without it? i think i want to derive something more from this phase of my life - but quite disconcertingly, i struggle to think of what else is there.

people have been bugging me about settling down, getting myself a steady girlfriend and 'plan for the future'. stop floating around. get settled. but i just don't find the arguments compelling enough. i've often asserted that marriage is a social construct, and that its not real. its just an instrument, employed by governments and institutions for social control. i'm not saying that marriage is evil - just that its artificial.

i don't need to be married to love someone, and to stay with someone for the rest of my life, and to provide for her. i don't need a court order to tell me my responsibilities to her, when we're together or even when we're divorced. i just need to love her. sounds simple right? it always does.

i'm not looking for a relationship now, nor to get married, nor to settle down. but i am looking for someone - a soul mate would be a close enough definition i guess, though that seems rather limited, almost clumsy. someone who i understand, and who understands what's in my mind, and my dreams. someone who can walk along with me, and someone who i can talk to. truth be told, i haven't found anyone whom i can share my thoughts with for awhile - always i feel that i'm conversing on a different plane. kinda out of sync.

i think its safe to say that i am looking for someone, a friend. not god though, cos my beliefs are not inclined towards a compassionate, humanised god. just someone human, someone with failings just like me; perhaps someone lost, just like me. perhaps we can, together, set a direction for ourselves. perhaps.

breathe

2005-10-17T04:30:00.000+08:00

we take so many things for granted. like breathing, for instance. we don't think about it, we always assume that its going to be there, an automatic response, that air will always be available. then, all of a sudden when we can no longer breathe - perhaps because of the air, or perhaps because of ourself - we gasp, our lungs burn, and sometimes we die.

i learnt recently that it is not the lack of oxygen that causes us to breathe. it is in fact carbon dioxide that does that. when we breathe, carbon dioxide build-up sends a signal to our brain to prompt us to breathe, and that signal automatically tells our body to do so. free-divers go through a process of self induced hyper-ventilation before plunging into the depths, to expel all the co2 from their bodies, therefore enabling them to suppress the urge to breathe as they plunge underwater, to amazing depths. the flipside is, without co2 to prompt them to breathe, free-divers are in tremendous danger of simply blacking out without warning due to lack of oxygen.

so, what's the point of this little bio lesson? i think, to me, it applies to how we choose to live. more often than not, we take so many things for granted. processes, responses, people. we need life to prompt us to stop, and take a breath, but we often don't notice it. sometimes, like free divers, we choose to purposefully ignore and circumvent it. like co2, these indicators in life are not something that we notice, as we envelope ourselves in the mind numbing comforts derived from the highly narcotic oxygen. in a world where approximately 78% is filled with oxygen, we tend to ignore the remaining 22% of gases, each having its own unique function in the grand design of god and nature.

let's take some time to think about how we breathe, and how we live. some needs are less obvious than others, but no less important. some things we can live without, some things we have to live with. sometimes we struggle to draw breath, and it hurts - but when we do breathe again, life begins as if anew. sometimes, we just need to stop breathing for a moment, to remind us of the need to do so.

certainly there will come a day when we will all stop breathing, for good. in that moment before i draw my last breath, i'd hope to be able to say to myself that i've lived, and breathed a good life.

wordsmith

2005-10-10T18:15:00.000+08:00

thanks sandra, for your comments on depth; i'm glad that my words are able to reach out to people like you. =)

fact is, i've always had an intense connection with words. you know how some people are numbers-people, some are pictures-people? well, i'm a word-people, or if you excuse the ego-ism, a wordsmith. words hold a particular fascination to me, because of the nuances, the complexities and the fact that it translates our thoughts into stories. everlasting stories, about all things, and all dreams.

i suppose this is a good lead-in to why my blog is titled: tabula rasa; or why my blog address is read-a-book; or why the heck don't i use any capital letters in my entries! so now, one thing at a time i suppose.

tabula rasa - a latin term that literally means "blank slate". it forwards the notion of having no preconceptions in our mind. easier said than done obviously, but it is a good reminder of what i consider to be a prerequisite to a good conversation. what i write is not deliberately measured to challenge your preconceptions about me, about you, or about the littlest and largest things about life in general. but it might raise some questions in your heart. and when it does, i hope the premise is clear, that tabula rasa applies.

read-a-book was chosen, simply because i love to read. story books, books about moments in life, books about dreams and fantasy, magic and hope. books that try to tell us things, or books that challenge our thoughts. books that sap the soul, and those that feed it. books that seek to expound the truth, and those that seek to blur it. i'm adamant that my heaven will be one great big library, filled with all the book that have ever been written, are being written and will be written. in that library in heaven (i shall call it storyland), i can read about all the lives of all the people that exist. i shall read their stories, and the stories of those i care about. stories about my children, my children's children. stories that people write, and stories that write themselves. therefore, my blog address.

lastly, why no capital letters? have you ever read "eats, shoots and leaves" by lynne truss? it's a book about punctuation essentially, about how it's misused and abused today. in it, truss traces the evolution of punctuation, which gave me plenty of food for thought. it redefined the way i read, and the way i take words (and punctuation) for granted. though much of what truss explains comes naturally to my words, the absolute nuances of it are crystallised by deliberate application of thought to them. and in going through that thought process, i choose to challenge the notion that capital letters are necessary in the english language. call it a whim, or the hint at the literary rebel within me. heck, just call me lazy. but i want to prove the point that capital letters are unnecessary. it serves no purpose at the beginning of the sentence. sure, it works in acronyms and shortforms, but that can easily be substituted by the appropriate punctuation - as it was meant to be. for example; short for television is not [capital] t [capital] v, but t.v. likewise, note that a full stop to follow each letter of the acronym easily substitutes the role of the capital letter, like so: p.s.l.e. for primary school leaving examinations.

imagine how comfortable it is for me now, typing without having to worry about capitalising my words, without having to press the 'shift' key five hundred times just to key in this entry! assuming that it saves me half a second each sentence, and assuming that one sentence comprises of fifteen words, that's a substantial twenty seconds i've saved thus far into this entry. imagine me writing this amount each day, every day of my life, and assuming i live to the national average of seventy five, by the time i'm seventy five, i would have saved 3.126157 days of my life! that's 3 precious days to spend with my loved ones! assuming my initiative takes off, in a nation of 4 million people - assuming a 75% literacy rate (of which 50% type regularly), i would estimate that the nation can save 126736 days every year! its the productivity drive of the century!

the possibilities are profound.

well, let's see how this takes off. its late, so i'm going to sleep now. another long week ahead, but i'm looking forward to it actually! oh, and i'm all recovered now, not dengue-ish anymore, thanks!

goodnight.

post-script: i'm not advocating against the use of capital letters altogether; but it'd be much better served when its used selectively. nowadays its just plain over-used and redundant mostly, when it should instead be measured and delivered to surgical effect.

2005-10-09T03:43:00.000+08:00

testing

dengue-ish

2005-10-07T13:37:00.000+08:00

i feel sick. i am sick. i don't belong to the office. neither do i belong underground. i need the sun. and if possible, the sand and the sea.

consider this - since i've started working in the office, less than a year ago, i've fallen ill probably 5 or 6 times. in the 1 and a half years prior to that, i fell ill a grand total of one day.

i've thought about retirement already. always wanted to live someplace by the sea. somewhere with fresh air, cos i reckon if i don't, i'm gonna die young - not that i'm really planning to live long, but dying of illness ain't on my list of 'best ways to croak and say goodbye". unfortunately, more often than not, people die of illnesses. now, this probably is the least of man's concern in prehistoric times, cos man probably got eaten before they had time to fall ill. but nowadays, sure, we live longer. but when we do die, it's prolonged agony, extended suffering - towards the same inevitable end. i think we should worry less about living a long life, as opposed to living a good life, and dying in peace. so please, if ever anyone finds me in a hospital, on life support, its against my will. do me a favour, pull the plug. really. really really. thanks. and since we're on that topic, cremate me please, and dump my ashes into the sea. no alters, no graves - why be-labour the living, with having to feel obliged to visit my mortal coil? if you must, keep a picture somewhere in a drawer or something, and you can bring it out for a chitchat when you need someone to confide in.

okay, i must be really ill. cos i'm rambling, and incoherent. goodbye.

depth

2005-10-04T13:30:00.000+08:00

the ocean's an honest place. when i'm diving, there are no pretences, no clutter, no noise, no time, no space. just me, and the ocean. we share a consciousness, together with all things living, or simply existing, there. in that moment, we live as one single entity, caught in the rhythm that sways the soul, and confounds the mind. i realise how much of an alien i am in this world, because i alone intrude and seek to invade, to destroy, to change.

as my eyes sweep across the ocean floor, i see life within each granule of sand. my world collapses, and emerges at the same time, because my existance is both belittled and defined in that moment, at that depth. everything collapses into a single instance, as i seek to draw breath. my existance ebbs and flows in concert with the awesome strength and grace of the ocean.

as i fumble my way around, even the littlest creature seems infinitely superior. i'm an invalid, living on life support. as the sea dances around me, my spirit rises to join the merry making! for a moment, i am perfect in His existance.

in the depths of the ocean, everything is laid bare. there, i find myself immersed in a reality that i have lived my life trying to change. my weaknesses are exposed, my frailties exaggerated. but in that world, frail and helpless though i may be, i exist. i long to return to those depths. because there, the world is honest, clear and true. there, i feel the heartbeat of the world, in that moment. and in that depth, i draw meaning; and in my helplessness, i draw strength.

it seems so strange

2005-09-24T20:43:00.000+08:00

i don't think i've ever confronted the fact that i should have moved on years ago. it never really came to me that i'm just living on a memory, and that it will never be. dreams gleam the truth from our hearts, and thrust it right in our faces, when we cannot resist or deny. dreams are insensitive to fact, and reality. they defy convention by bringing out our hopes, our wishes, our 'what if's' and 'if only's' - only to wrest it away from us with the break of day. dreams are cruel, because they do not care about feelings. they extract, translate, present, and depart; leaving us to struggle with the harsh, unforgiving reality.

i think its about time i achieve closure - and strangely, i can tell myself that for the first time in years, i've moved on ahead. i really have. it wasn't dramatic - in fact, all it took was a connection to remind me of how shallow i can be, and how foolishly depressed i've let myself been.

i think i can leave the dreams behind now, together with the memories, and just let myself step out of the hourglass.

testing testing

2005-09-20T22:43:00.000+08:00

arlow, me to all out there. let this be the start of a beautiful conversation.